Thoughts from a Former Pastor's Wife

Thoughts from a Former Pastor’s Wife on Religion

I was in the All-Ohio State Fair Youth Choir many years ago. Randal, my late husband, was also in the choir. On a hot summer day, we met with a funny line he said. “Is your name Lisa?” When I said no and why, he said, “Because the prettiest girl in the world is named Lisa and you look just like her.” From the moment we met in the choir, we were inseparable. We dated a little bit after the choir, but I broke his heart two days before Valentine's Day when I broke up with him because we lived 5 hours away from one another.

We remained friends throughout the next 8 years. In April of the ninth year, he wrote this heartfelt letter with TONS of spelling and grammatical errors (Not like him at all). I knew this was from the heart, and he needed to send it without proofreading. 

He asked me to go out one more time, as if we had never been apart, and he proposed the next day. We were married four months later. During our engagement, a woman that I worked with told me, “Don’t marry a pastor unless you like living in a fishbowl.” I thought that was an unusual way to put it, but she would know since she was married to a pastor herself.

Anyway, those first few years of marriage, we lived in Virginia in Appalachia, -The Bible Belt. People were considered heaven-bound or heathens, no in between. One of the things Randal would say, “You throw a banjo and a Bible up in the air and someone’s bound to play it or preach it.”

Now, let’s talk about the fishbowl and how it was not for me. First of all, I would often curse like a sailor, so even marrying a pastor was a huge stretch of the imagination for many. My sister was extremely concerned for my mouth and the role I decided to take on. So I hid that part of me from the congregation, obviously not from my husband. But I figured time and place, you know. Second, on my wedding day, I felt put in that fishbowl immediately. I picked a pattern from my wedding dress years before. It was beaded, low-cut in the front, and backless. As soon as the congregation saw me, I knew it didn’t fit what a “holy bride” should wear. I didn’t fit what a “holy bride” should be. I knew they were saying things behind my back that a pastor’s wife shouldn’t have worn something so revealing at the church. Anyway, I could list at least 10 more things, but those were the things that stuck out the most.

So I grew more and more afraid of messing up and ruining my husband’s career if I wore too much makeup, showed off too much of my shoulder or leg, didn’t say or do what a pastor’s wife “should” do, whatever that means.

My life was getting more and more like a show. I became so worried about everything. What should I express or remain silent about? I felt I needed to agree with everyone. I looked at the ladies in the church and simply mimicked their language, their makeup or lack of, and their clothes. No one in the church would dare go swimming because that would mean showing off your skin and tempting men who were NOT your husband.

I think you get the idea. Now at church, I always wanted to ask the questions, but never felt comfortable enough to do so, even with my husband. Being the pastor’s wife, I should know all the answers.

I always believed that people were good at their core. I don’t think most people are inherently bad. But many Christians think that we are born bad or into sin. Mistakes and sin are all the same to many Christians. Yet we were created in God's image. Not sure how that makes sense.

I never understood the phrase “fear God.” That seems so wrong. Why would I fear my Father? I never feared my earthly father; why would I fear my heavenly father?

I can’t be proud? But I can be proud of others? How does that make sense?

I feel I’m a decent parent, a just parent, and when one of my children did wrong, they were punished, but not for ETERNITY. (Although it may have felt like it at the time)

I’m not supposed to be jealous, but “God is a jealous god."

Astrology is not of God, yet “Wise men followed the star.”

Profits are of God, but psychics and mediums are not.

Again, I could go on and on, but you get the idea.

Here is what I believe now. God is all around and in you. Every person plays a role in this life. I like to think of it as our bodies. As a body, you have a brain, blood, fingers, toes, elbows, arms, legs, etc. Those seem like the parts that people accept. But we also have armpits and assholes, which are sticky and unpleasant. Those are the parts that many of us try to forget or hide. 

Someone in your life plays the brain- the one who is logical. Someone else plays the blood- the one who is with you through all the times in your life. But you also have the asshole and the stinky armpit. These are the ones who play the role of the “evil” or “sinful” person in your life. These parts can also be you. Sometimes you play the asshole both in your life and in another person’s life.

So, as far as religion goes, we are all looking at life through our own filter because of life experiences, our traumas, and our beliefs about the world. We all look at patterns that seem to fit our beliefs, our religion. But I can see one thing from my perspective as something good and lovely, while someone else looking at the same thing with their perspective sees something totally different.

If I see the number 6 and you’re sitting across from me, you’re seeing a 9. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Neither is right nor wrong. Now, if you listen to me and I listen to you as you calmly explain how you see it, others may see it, but maybe not. AND THAT’S OKAY!

Your religion is based on the filter that you have and the biases that are generated through your life. So what your religion is to you is not the same as what religion is to me.

Here’s my last thought. Reducing religion to 2 factors.

1. Believe there is something bigger than yourself (Think of the big picture)

2. Don’t be an asshole (Think of the details too)